what am i doing

Let’s start this one off with a really simple and totally answerable question…

What are we doing here?

Softball question, I know. Glad you have the answer… now can you please tell me what it is?

It feels like a little bit of insanity, but it seems like all of us (most of us?) (some?) (anybody??) wrestle with this question. And I don’t mean why are we even alive, but what are we actually doing with our time? It’s all a heck of a lot to consider: 

What are we doing? And why? 

And then, how? How are we doing it?

And then ow are we doing what we are doing?

And when? All the time? Some of the time? Once?

What’s enough? What will satisfy the itch?

I can’t tell if this is a line of existential questioning or if it’s more of a crying out to the heavens for an answer. Maybe it’s all the same thing. 

What I can tell you is that I’ve been pushing myself lately to really consider the why behind the what that I create.

And for the most part, I can skate by with what seems an easy and acceptable answer from any “artsy” type: I just make what “feels good.” *cue classic “hippie” tone*

While I can get behind making what sits well in my bones, I never really stand back and consider why it actually feels right to me. And that’s what I’m trying to get to the bottom of. Why? Why? WHY??? It’s also an “artsy” thing to drive yourself insane and I don’t drink or anything, so this is how it looks for me. All aboard! Join me as I spiral into the abyss.

I feel the need to clarify that I’m approaching this line of questioning more from a loving place rather than one of self-destruction. But again… is it all the same? Boy, I clearly need some fresh air. Can someone open a window?

So I ask myself, why do I want to create? And on top of that, why do I want to share my art with others? What is it that is important about this work? And how can I make it more important?

When I really stop and think about it, what comes up time and again is that I want to feel connected. And looking back at the art that I have created and shared thus far, I can recognize that this rings true.

Happily, I can say that I’ve made some great connections with others through making and sharing my art. I have made new friends and found collaborators I jibe well with. 

In general, sharing my art and my creativity has allowed me to feel much more at home where I am.

I have lived in the place I now call home for almost 10 years now and I can truly say I feel like a part of the community - and that is very much due to my artistic pursuits.

The things I produce are a vehicle for me to connect with people and to offer an authentic piece of myself in a way that is both fun and enlivening for me and brings happiness to others. Now that’s all a bunch of ‘why’ that I can really get behind.

Words can be so clumsy. For me, the pieces I create offer up something I have to say that is real and true and deep in my bones that I don’t necessarily know how to sum up in words. But I can make a shiitake mushroom practicing tai chi and somehow that conveys exactly some of that truth.

I want to offer a sense of belonging and welcoming, because that’s what I want to feel. And my art is my offering.

In 2023 I got the opportunity to paint a large mural in downtown Vero Beach - the place I now call home. This is a big piece of me that is now out there for others to enjoy. And when I meet people who have seen my mural I feel like we’ve shared something, even without having interacted face to face. They have received my offering and it’s usually met with joy. Which is all I could ask for.

I have art for sale in public places. I’ve got an online store and I set up and sell my art in person at markets now and again. If I’m completely honest, I must say that I like that I can make a little money from sharing my art. But ultimately a sale is not what lights me up and *hippie voice* feels good.

While money is, to sum it up in one word, helpful, the goal I keep coming around to is connection. And it’s more nuanced than that, because the goal is also to create from the heart and for it to be fun and open. I get just plain jazzed when I conjure something up out of thin air, whether it’s based on my own idea or sharing a vision with another person.

When it comes down to it, what I really, truly want is to create opportunities for connection. I want to create moments. Sweet moments and joyful ones too. 

To share my art is to offer moments of connection. And to share my words is to do the same.